On Ghosting

There is a current trend of “ghosting,” wherein relationships suddenly end without explanation, and those left behind are forced to pick up the pieces. Many are blaming the “ghosters,” screaming that only “cowards” leave without explanation, and everyone is owed the chance to respond. I would posit that there has almost never been a relationship where the signs of exhaustion and disappointment were so hidden that those who were left behind had zero notice. If someone looks up from their lives and realize that there are fewer people standing around them, that often indicates a rampant self obsession that has never been addressed. Moreover, people who lack respect are not owed a chance to manipulate others back into submission, and societal disapproval should not be enough to demand that others reenter toxic situations, which are usually more expensive the next time.

A basic sense of self awareness is not inherently spiritual; it is acknowledging that one takes up space and requires energy to keep existing without interruption. Looking at oneself in a number of situations can be difficult, but necessary, especially when the same kinds of issues keep occurring regardless of the players. I myself have spent the last five years looking at how I have existed, and I recently took an excursion around every home I lived in as an adult, acknowledging who I was at the time. My behavior was nowhere close to as calm as it is now, and I smiled in gratitude at each location, grateful for the understanding that I gained from all those circumstances. I was far from perfect, but every time I stopped chasing people who demonstrated contempt from either their action or inaction, I felt much more tranquil.

Friction about ghosting tends to originate from older generations who maintain rigid understanding of how relationships work. They almost believe that no relationship should end before death, irrespective of the kind of relationship it is. Consequently, they refuse to acknowledge the behavior of people within the relationship or the problems that arise when people enable harm. Many marriages lasted for a long time, but only because divorce was considered a problem. Families “took care of each other,” but usually that caretaking involved emotionally abusing offspring into submission. Employees worked at a company for decades, but gossip, hierarchies, and favoritism tended to ruin the atmosphere long before retirement–and now people lack the option to retire, keeping the toxicity running forever as people jump from one toxic environment to another.

Younger generations are a lot less tolerant of negative behavior, even when they are the perpetrators–but this is a good thing. If jobs fail to pay what it costs to survive or offer unreasonable conditions, younger individuals are not willing to “tough it out,” and wait for things to improve. They have also been witnesses to the lies of the older generations who claim that everything is going to “get better,” while circumstances inconsistently improved for people who were already in good situations. When actions fail to match words, people have continued to offer fake smiles and pleas for patience, oblivious to the cost of their negligence at the expense of others. Nobody is required to stick around for a supposedly better future that never seems to come, especially when time, energy, and resources are being poured into the idea of “better, someday.”

Additionally, younger people understand that either remaining in, or returning to, toxic situations results in harmful people trying to manipulate others back under control. There is no self reflection or general understanding; just a flagrant demand for everything to return to “the way it was,” ignoring how those circumstances caused harm. I have spent hours in conversation with people completely unwilling to accept that they were both out of control and/or being disrespectful to me. Those same people refuse to admit that they had pulled from me in ways that were difficult to recover from, and the circular conversations were traps, not genuine opportunities to illicit comprehension. In the end, I was forced to abandon those relationships to avoid spending even more resources, keeping myself in distress until my circumstances changed.

A lot of chaotic behavior stems from an inability to hear “no,” which was viewed positively for centuries, particularly in practicing capitalism. So many people validate and justify abusers’ inability to realize that they are not permitted to run amok, and expect everyone to “adjust.” The romanticization of abusive situations has become more tragic than many people cared to admit, so the behavior now is merely a correction of past conditions. Ghosting is usually an indication that people have tried communicating with someone only to be ignored, and that it feels easier to give up on that person than continue to beg for understanding. Leaving situations that have failed to improve regardless of input is the right of everyone, and the stigma about this behavior is disappearing, so the days of holding people hostage against progress will no longer be tolerated.