By this point, most of the imperial population over the age of 34 has been exposed to Dickens’ classic, A Christmas Carol. For those unfamiliar, a rich, older man is given a chance to reflect on his past, acknowledge his present, and avoid his future, giving him the opportunity to make amends. To onlookers, this could appear to be proof that even the most horrible of people are capable of change, and that everyone should hold space for those who might be on a journey of self improvement. However, I would offer that in that story, a man has been thoroughly horrible to everyone who showed him love, commitment, responsibility, and trust, and instead of being abandoned–like he should–he is given the opportunity to force himself on all of them to manipulate them into accepting his presence again. Rather than seeing the holidays as a chance to coerce others, I feel that the time has come to accept that such times should not be used for redemption of poor behavior.
Everyone has done something wrong in life, and hopefully, we have done our level best to learn from our mistakes and become better people. Maybe in the past we were too impulsive, and we made so many bad decisions that our lives were permanently affected. Perhaps we spent too much time, energy, or resources with the wrong people–and “wrong” does not necessarily mean what one would expect. What we need to learn is that actions have consequences, and sometimes the loss of self control can mean the end of certain opportunities or relationships. Some people could get tired of seeing us waste our lives on those who offer us little in return, and start walking away. The problem is not that mistakes have been made, but how our mistakes have affected others in their lives in relation to us. Perfection is impossible, but refusing to improve after consequences is a choice, not a personality issue.
Because there has been so much hype around holidays, abusers and enablers often use this time to escape accountability, using excuses such as “family” or “Christmas” to worm their way back into timelines from which they were intentionally expelled. Through watery smiles and elaborate gifts, wrongdoers are warmly welcomed back to the sites of previous destruction, emotional or otherwise. Frequently, the purported “change” lasts as long as the holiday season, and then abusers and their enablers revert back to the intolerable behavior, after pictures have been taken for posterity. The targets are then left to pick up the pieces of the emotional wreckage, wondering how they could have failed to see the truth they already knew before. Such cycles are immensely stressful and indicate dedication to false hope and toxic positivity.
Along with the empire, using holidays for redemption needs to become a thing of the past. If family members cannot control their need to relentlessly criticize others, Easter is not going to produce the magic sermon to change them. When someone goes home crying from Thanksgiving, maybe the abusive alcoholic has demonstrated an inability to manage addiction in a healthy way, and needs a message, not a hug. No, the Christmas spirit is not enough to quell generational trauma; people who have held onto their pain instead of allowing it to teach them have chosen who they want to be. If people choose to celebrate holidays, they need to consider who actually enhances the celebration, and who uses those times to bring the rest of the family/office/community back under control.
Chasing A Dying Empire 