One of the most frustrating elements of being coerced into going back to Austin was the fact that so many people kept referring to me as my parent’s child, or as the entry-level “kid” they could manipulate. The idea that I was in my mid-twenties when I came back was foreign to them, and they never appreciated that I was ready to do the things all the other people in their twenties wanted to do. Getting a decent job, paying off debt, possibly raising children, and potentially buying a house were all on my list–until I realized that I needed cooperation from several different people to make that happen. After having my attempts to leave thwarted several times by being open and honest, I fled Austin telling almost no one because I realized that people needed me to stay small, and were never going to let me move past their roles for me.
So that everyone understands, keeping people in a specific place in one’s mind is a form of control, and all the smiles and hugs make no difference. Young people are not interested in being held hostage by older people, poor people do not want to be paralyzed by rich people, and only unhealthy relationships remove all other options. No one wishes to remain dependent because human beings evolve and grow under most circumstances, even though the dominant narrative encourages narcissism. Autonomy should never threaten intimacy as long as all parties are safe, but when people need others to be small, growth is a threat.
There have been multiple times in my life when people have demonstrated that they were commanding me to be beneath them, and that they felt entitled to my obedience. When I got into New York City Teaching Fellows, one roommate made a point of insulting me because then, maybe, I would never have accomplished anything. I had a previous friend who rose to greatness, but who also spent a lot of time bragging about power and privilege that they wanted to maintain; it was only years after that friendship dissolved that I realized my “friend” never recommended me to any colleagues so that I could stop working in entry-level jobs–ensuring that they stayed above me. Even bosses made a point of gaslighting me to the point of dysfunction because they refused to take responsibility for their bigotry about the roles they wanted Black women to play in their live.
Another thing that many people are hearing is that we all are constantly being told to “pay our dues,” as if life just waits on hold for all these people to readjust our place in their minds. This abusive nonsense is designed to drain resources and break spirits, not bring out the best of society, which is why people are tired of participating in the dominant narrative. “Paying dues” is nothing more than a cycle of humiliation rituals, and healthy people do not require others to stay stuck until some magical moment of approval. I wonder how many grandchildren will never be born because so many “elders” needed younger people to “pay dues.” People need to sit with that, and question how much was broken by individuals hoarding socioeconomic growth.
Furthermore, there are too many idiots who spend their time making excuses for forcing people to wait for autonomy and equilibrium. These people will never admit it, but the justifications mean that people believe some people will never truly deserve autonomy. The “philantrocapitalists” are all monsters because their lives depend on demanding that people apply for ill-gotten gains–including the “good ones.” Additionally, there are way too many opinions predicated around monitoring how poor people spend money, which means that a lot of comfortable people believe that poor people should spend time in despair until otherwise notified. Nothing about this behavior respects “freedom,” “democracy,” or any other lies such people have told themselves.
Running around like “Pick Me” ho is not a sign of work ethic; it is desperation, and people need to stop begging for controlling individuals to be better people. It is useless to ask people for help changing the status quo when they continue to benefit from the status quo, especially when most of their efforts have been developed to maintain their comfort. Most individuals are not responsible for asking permission from people almost guaranteed to deny the opportunity for growth. We are not required to stay small to assuage the insecurities of people who have enjoyed our discomfort, and who consider our destruction as acceptable collateral.
Thank you to everyone who continues to read. I faced a setback, but I have finally stopped internalizing it.
